The Firsts

Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday. The first one she isn't around to celebrate. It will join a list of other days that have come and gone over the past ten months where her absence reverberated around the room. And afterward, I will tell myself, "You made it through her first post-death birthday. It arrived like any other day and left the same. And here you still are."

I have a voicemail on my phone of her singing me happy birthday. I remember missing her annual birthday call a few years ago. I don't remember why I didn't answer the phone, but I remember feeling an acute pang of guilt when I saw the missed call. Now, in a twist of fate, I am grateful for whatever kept me from the phone that day.

If she was still here, I would call to sing her happy birthday tomorrow. We would talk about her plans for Christmas day. She would catch me up on church and her friends. She would ask me about Chas and Michael and Kelsey. We would say we wished we were together for the holiday. She would remind me to call her if I needed anything at all and to take care of mom. She would say "I love you, bye bye, bye bye, I love you" at least five times before hanging up the phone.

Her number has been disconnected for several months. The back of my eyes burn when I think about it. It was the first phone number I ever learned by heart.

I don't hold any soothing beliefs about an afterlife. There have been many days since she passed when I wished I did. I am spiritual enough to believe that a part of her still exists, but it is the part of her that blossoms inside of me and Jillian and Mandi and Ronni and Mom and Eric.

So to the part of her that beats alongside my heart, I say: happy birthday. Chas and Kelsey and Michael are all going great. Kelsey went to Hawaii and had an incredible time and learned to scuba dive for the trip. I don't know if I could go underwater like that and think that she is really brave. Michael's family has been in Fayetteville for a while so he's getting to spend more time with them, which I know he values. Chas and I are doing well. We are all settled in the new house. We are eventually going to renovate the primary bathroom once we get the courage to start demolition. I want to do most of the work ourselves but Chas is less sure. Addison is beautiful and watching her "become" is really special. Her parents are doing a fantastic job at being her parents. No, I don't know yet when or if Chas and I will have kids, haha. I know you think it would be wonderful, mmhmm. But you want me to do whatever is right for me, I know that too. Right now I think we work too much to consider it. And I am existential enough as it is. But we are planning a trip to Chicago for my 30th birthday. I don't want to think about turning 30. I am trying to focus on the privilege of aging, but time passes so quickly and I can never shake the feeling that I don't have enough of it. Jillian had clear scans. Clear scans!!!!! I just love her so much. She is fighting harder than anyone should be asked to fight. A friend sent mom photos of your house decorated for the holidays by the family that moved in. I imagine your house being full of joy and laughter and love. Work is going great. I am tired and frustrated often, but I haven't had a day yet where it didn't feel worth it to work hard. I worry about whether I am enough, but that is not new to me. I fell back in love with fiction this year. That has probably been the highlight of my year. I am sure they miss you at the library. Have you ever read Sally Rooney? She's excellent. Her books are set in Ireland and there are some phrases in her dialogue that are familiar to me because of you. All of the pets are doing fine but you would DEFINITELY be uncomfortable at my house because there are now four cats. I never intended to have four cats, but I am learning that sometimes cats just happen to you. I have been watching a lot of Scotland travel videos on TikTok. I can't wait to visit soon, hopefully 2024. Sometimes, I imagine an alternate life for myself in which I moved away to Scotland when I was 18 just like you left for the States when you were a teenager. If there are parallel universes, I think that is one of my timelines. Something about the green landscape and coastline fill me with longing and nostalgia and a sense of home, but maybe I am just longing for you. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a good Christmas. I wish you were here. I love you, too. I miss you, too. You too. You too. Love you. Miss you. Bye-bye.